Before: I started playing piano when I was eight years old. I worked hard to learn difficult pieces. I learned about the effort needed to improve myself. I began to love music.
After: I started playing piano at the age of eight. From the beginning, I worked hard to learn difficult pieces, and this struggle taught me the effort needed for self-improvement. My work with the piano nourished my love for music.
As an exercise to improve sentence variety, once you have completed your essay, try labeling each sentence "short" (under 10 words), "medium" (under 20 words), or "long" (20 or more words). A nice paragraph might read something like M S M L M S. A dry essay would be S S S M L L L.
Use of Passive Voice
Passive-voice expressions use verb phrases that include a form of to be, such as am, is, was, were, are, or been. Overuse of the passive voice makes prose seem flat and uninteresting. Sentences in active voice are also more concise than those in passive voice.
Before: I will be prepared for college as a result of the lessons my mother taught me.
After: My mother taught me lessons that will prepare me for college.
Don't Thesaurusize Your Essay
Put your thesaurus away when writing your application essay. Big words, especially when misused, detract from the essay, inappropriately drawing the reader's attention.
Before: As a youth, I performed on myriad stages throughout the country.
After: As a youth, I performed on countless stages throughout the country.
By eliminating these common flaws from your essay, you can engage the admissions committee with your experiences, rather than amusing them for being the "modest kid with an unbelievable ego."
Editing Checklist
SUBSTANCE
Substance refers to the content of the essay and the message you send out. Here are some questions to ask yourself regarding content: