In a world driven by fierce economic and social competition, unselfish devotion and genuine compassion are becoming a rarity; I believe that the experiences of my life have taught me these character traits. With a firm commitment to the lives of others, my unwavering desire in life is to use my experiences and talents as a physician, that I might help bring physical and emotional healing to those in need.
"I will prepare, and some day my chance will come. " - Lincoln
Critique
Hi XXX,
Your essay is quite solid to begin with, and it has a lot of strengths.
First and foremost, you clearly indicate your burning desire to become a physician, something that medical schools do value. You lay out your case for admission in a straightforward manner, and give some examples to back up your statements. You should be proud of your progress thus far.
We also specifically edited your language to better prepare the essay to be read by a committee on admissions. In some areas, your wording seemed "overheated." For example, you twice used the phrase, "overwhelming desire." Although you clearly want to impress the committee with your desire to study medicine, you run the risk of "overwhelming" them in the process. When you write, "As I finished High School and entered college, and now Graduate School, every decision I have made has been centered around one goal…" the essay runs the risk of coming on too strong. Your goal should be to present yourself as a serious and committed applicant, while avoiding a "rabid" tone.
A final note - your primary goal in filling out your applications should be to get an interview, not to convince an admissions committee that you're worthy of admission. You want to make them want to get to know you better, and to want to meet you in person. Keep this point in mind as you continue in the application process.