（7）
原句：When she decided to leave us, although I, as director of this school, hate to let her go, I would like to renew my support for her today, as she sets her eyes on still grander horizons.
编辑分析： “I, as director…” I is unnecessary and confuses the sentence.
改正后：When she decided to leave us, though as director of this school I hate to see her go, I offered my full support. I would like to renew my support for her today, as she sets her eyes on still grander horizons.
（8）
原句：I dearly hope that you will consider his application favorably.
编辑分析： “dearly hope” sincerely. “consider his application” her application. You have referred to the recommended teacher as ‘she’ and ‘miss’ throughout.
改正后：I sincerely hope that you will consider her application favorably and am confident you will be enlightened by her talents at your school.
总体评论：
千疮百孔的英文，语法错误、用词不当、句子结构不恰当，都可以分散阅读者的注意力，给阅读者造成误解，无法看懂你究竟要说什么。要知道评审委员要阅读上百份申请材料，你的错误可能使他（她）丧失对你的兴趣和信心。
在申请文书写作中应当注意：
使用正确的英语写作
要坚持使用明确、直接和具体的表达方式
删除不必要的词汇和语句
坚持使用主动语态
避免柔和、无色彩、犹豫和不果断的语言。
语法错误经过反复的阅读是可以更正的，但是用词不当和句子结构不恰当的毛病改正起来则比较困难，对于英语不是母语的人士来说，需要长期艰苦的磨练。在以后的篇章里，将继续分析片语使用、选词、句子结构和篇章开头结尾方面的错误。